Devonport Hash House Harriers: Egyptian Style AGPU

December 1, 2011

Egyptian Style AGPU

Spot the Burnie infiltrators vying for positions!

FannyMay and GoneAgain hosted the Wicked themed AGPU. As we know from various recent elections, it is fraught with danger. The undemocratic Hash style of 'election' would have caused security concerns and subsequent travel advisory updates for travelers had it been made public. All DHASH members arrived at the black ballooned and spider infested secret voting location in James Street. No voting cards or boxes were present. All Hashers were donning their most striking Wicked outfits, obviously trying to avoid being chosen for positions in the Hash Mismanagement Team.

The night started with a wicked run set by GoneAgain, without any Rambo/Whimp junctions, forcing the most crippled of cripples to go the full distance to find the Piss Stop. Not all bodies made their way to the back of GoneAgain's car, which was strategically parked in the shadows of the Gateway Hotel and the BWS Bottle-shop. Unrestrained Hashers could (and did) abuse the gamblers using the back-entrance of the hotel, where gamblers leave babies unattended in cars and drag gagged teenagers through the door. Long Island Iced tea and Port was on offer from the Lancer. Laced Wicked lolly-pops failed to do their advertised job of permanently staining tongues, but other than that the run went well.

Actual runners made it to the OnOn to enjoy the spoils of Fanny May's kitchen battles. Out came the Flamin Balls with Hot Dick nibbles. Almost all were devoured before the walkers arrived 10 minutes later. Deviled Sausages followed, with baked Vulture Legs, Spidered Cold Sores (with mayonnaise instead of Coleslaw sauce) and Dragon Spit Trifle for desert.

Elections were a shambles. Called off the last minute due to the inability of the various factions to agree on abominations. Rebels among us immediately prepared for battle, vowing to overthrow the ruling extremists minority mismanagement, and take over the proceedings. Self elected clan leader Flasher in an unusual moment of decisiveness decided, not without a hint of bias, who was to do what, and among many cheers the positions were most unfairly adjudicated between the non-believers. All results are not final, and nothing will appear in print till the powers that be have decided on the final results. Results may change without notice.

In any case no casualties were reported on the scene of the elections, but many small fires were put out throughout the night.

Devonport Hash lives on to run again! Next week's run will be from Killers place in Forth.

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OFFICE BEARERS

Grandmaster – Flasher Joint masters – Tracka & Tinsel Hash hops – Cheese Hash lip – Gyno Lower lip – Crow Hash cash – Bald Eagle Hash monk – Killer Rig raffle – Crow Hash Flash – Rumpole Hash web – Gone again On sec – Shagadelic Trailmasters – Maggie, Flasher Who needs a Hash Monk, haven't had one for years and the sun still shines...

And incidentally,....

1. HASH HOPS: This is unquestionably the most important position in the hash. The Beermeister has the weighty responsibility of making sure that the lifeblood of hashing is available at each and every hash event. He keeps constant vigilance to find the cheapest spirituous fermenti available, always has coolers in the trunk of his car, cases of beer in his garage, and reliably returns the empty keg to get another full one for the next hash. While this might be a "pain in the ass" job, it's undoubtedly the most important one to the hash.

2. GRAND MASTER: The head hasher. The chairman of the board. The big cheese. The HMFIC. The guiding light. Gispert's legacy. The GM is not simply a figure head for the hash, rather (s)he personifies the hash's character (or lack thereof.) (S)he leads with a dynamic strength that permeates the fabric of the organization. Both directly, and through the hash officers, (s)he gives inspiration, direction, and vision to all. This position ranks only below Beermeister, Hash Cash, Hash Mouth, Hash Flash, and On-Sec in real importance to the hash.

3. HASH HAWKER or HABERDASHER: This is a person who has a flair for fashion, a head for business (who said head?), and the showmanship of P.T. Barnum. (S)he's responsible for the design, procurement, warehousing, merchandising, and vending of items of apparel and various trinkets to the hash. Prior flea market or circus midway experience preferred.

4. HARE RAISER: The Hare Raiser makes sure that there's a hare (or hares) for each hash, and that the start location is known to the On-Sec well in advance of hash day for publicity purposes. The Hare Raiser IS the hare if (s)he can't find anyone else to do it.

5. HASH CASH: The holder of the purse-strings. Someone needs to dash about the start of each hash begging for money. Someone has to keep track of what comes in and what goes out (commonly referred to as "the old in and out.") These generally unappreciated duties fall on the shoulders of the Hash Cash. This trustworthy soul must withstand the whining of the Hares who have overspent, the whimpering of those who forgot their fees, and the interrogations of those who mistakenly think there should be some sort of accounting for hash funds.

6. HASH FLASH: The person who captures for posterity all embarrassing hash moments on film. The hash flash must have an acute sense of the absurd to know what to take photos of, and also a small degree of reliability to bring a camera, film, take pictures, have them developed and put only the finest thereof into the sacred photo album.

7. HASH HARLOT: A trashy wench who has seen the dark side of hashing... and likes it! One with a lust for life who, revels in being the butt of the jester's ribald wit, the object of the songster's bawdy lyric, and the centrepiece of sensual repartee at all hash functions.

8. TRAIL MASTER or HASH HORN: Equipment requirements: A bugle or other appropriate wind instrument. Performance venue: The hash trail. Musical ability: Optional.

9. LIP : The hash mouth runs the official business at the On-On with an iron hand. (S)he must be loud, clear, passionate, articulate, humorous and possess an uncommon ability to think on his feet. It also helps if (s)he speaks English.

10. HASHIT KEEPER: This is arguably the most complicated position within the hash hierarchy. The responsibility surrounds custody of a large cardboard box (or entire house) filled with the flotsam and jetsam of past hashes. Precisely why this crap is retained is a mystery shrouded in the mythology of hashdom. However, the hashit itself rarely makes it to the hash, although the custodian is usually there himself. This reinforces the argument that remembering to bring the hashit is probably beyond the cognitive ability of your average hasher.

11. ON-SEC: This position is the masochist's dream. (S)he struggles with piles of paper, miles of computer wire, and might attempt to occasionally produce a Hound Directory or Hash Trash to keep the hash members somewhat informed. (S)he is the principal "outside" representative maintaining the Harrier.Net Worldwide WebSite, the hash membership data base. Boring stuff to say the least.

12. RELIGIOUS ADVISOR: Keeper of the faith. Enforcer of the scriptures. This is the hasher who has seen the light (Bud light) and can taste in his soul the true spirit of Hashing. The religious advisor spreads the word and inspires the zest and zeal of the hash in all participants. Any hasher found transgressing the spirit of hashing is disciplined by the RA. (S)e is the keeper of the sacred Laws of Hashing and comes up with sufficiently plausible lies to cover any serious questions of propriety of actions within the hash.

13. SONGMEISTER: This is a hasher with no self-respect. (S)he never lacks for a song suitable to the occasion. His songs are risqué, lewd, and vulgar. The Songmeister speaks with other hashers and hashes to acquire songs to add to the hash hymnal. The mission is to explore new tunes and new celebrations. To boldly go where no Songmeister has gone before (pardon the split infinitive.)

December 1, 2011

Egyptian Style AGPU

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